Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Saturday, November 2, 2013
So a week ago, I made the decision to let go of you and let go of it, and also asked God to help me let go of the things I cannot control. I still very much wish that things could have turned out better, that things could have turned out the way I wanted them to. But life does not work that way, sadly. And I gotta admit that being an only child, I am so used to having things my way. So that made it much harder for me.
But holding on only made me more miserable, and I found myself going back to where I was a year ago. I will always wish the best for you, I will always be looking out for you in one way or another, and you will always always mean something to me. But I guess some things just cannot be controlled, and some things just aren't meant to be. You're the most beautiful person I've ever met - so very innocent, sincere and pure at heart, despite certain habits you've since adopted. I can safely say that I haven't cared so much for someone before, that I haven't had someone mean so much to me before. No one has ever made me that happy doing the simplest of things, yet no one has ever managed to make me so sad. Too much of something is never good, and I guess that applies to feelings, too.
I don't think I'd ever have a second chance with you, but the very short time we spent together would always be precious to me. It seems ridiculous how such a short period of time can affect me so greatly, but some things I just cannot fathom and cannot explain. I would never know what the future holds, but for now, it will always be you that I choose. Even though my role in your life is gradually getting smaller, even though one day we may lose touch, even though I may one day disappear from your life.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
“I think that at some point, you stopped chasing me and all I could do was chase after you until I couldn’t anymore.”
Can I please stop thinking about you, about the past, how we lost it all.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Let it go let it go why can't I fucking let it go already. Feel so pathetic. Sidenote: Twitter really needs to lift the suspension on my account zzz
Friday, October 18, 2013
“And then my soul saw you and it kind of went, ‘Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you.”
- Iain Thomas, I Wrote This For You
Thursday, October 17, 2013
It's always you. At the end of the day, it's always you.
Why must I fall so hard for someone that is not meant to be mine? Why do I keep wishing for an ending that is so impossible? Why do I keep thinking of the what ifs?
Do not mess with my heart when you're unsure of yours. But then again, maybe I read too much into things right from the start. Maybe your feelings for me ended right there and then, one year ago, when you asked me not to wait for you. Why am I so foolish to think that we can pick up where we left off, that things still haven't changed and what we had is still there.
I was so sure that we still had something special. But I was wrong once again and it killed me. Time after time after time, why do I keep letting myself expect that something will come out of this? They say that if you make the same mistake three times then it's your fault for being foolish. In that case, I'm the dumbest girl alive.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Heart sank and started to ache once again when I found out about something this morning. I'm so disappointed in you for doing what you did after telling me not to do it. I guess I am a hypocrite too, since I admit that I did it too. But I felt guilty all that while, not knowing that you were doing the exact same thing, maybe even to a greater extent. This whole thing is becoming an even bigger joke. What we said to each other doesn't matter anymore. We are all being hypocrites here. What we had is gone, so I guess I have no right to get angry with you.
I guess it just hurts because it goes to show that my words don't mean shit anymore.I don't mean a thing to you anymore. Which is just as well, I guess. We all need to move on. I just wish you'd take better care of yourself. A part of me thinks that I'm part of the reason why you started doing it. But nah, do I affect you that much? Most probably not. Who are you kidding, Denise. He doesn't give a fuck about you anymore. Move the fuck on, yeah?
I care too much about you and it is really getting so tiring. And please stop sending me mixed signals. It's either all or nothing. It's either I'm in your life or I am not. Choose one and stick to your decision. I'm so fucking tired of going around in circles and landing up where I first started. All the best to you, I shall stop giving fucks about you from here on. Goodbye. I wish you well.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I really don't know why I have to go through this. I guess I've probably been through much worse, what with D and all, but that was 3 years ago, and I haven't felt this miserable since. Well, until now.
I don't understand why I had to meet you, why all that had to happen when nothing was meant to happen in the first place. Why let me have a taste of happiness and bliss when I'm not meant to experience it. Why let me have a taste of what it's like to have you, when you're not meant to be mine. I was really so happy and I was all ready, until you said those words. It's like the ground got pulled from under my feet.
Friday, September 7, 2012
It's been long since I last wrote an entry here. Obviously, I must be quite desperate.
I've been feeling so messed up lately and it is driving me insane. I have never quite felt anything like this before. Not that I want to, anyway.
You are so selfish. You think this is the right choice, that this is what's best. But have you ever considered what I want and how I feel? I feel miserable and I'm crumbling. Slowly but surely.
Maybe it's time I stop doing things for others and start doing things for myself. Put myself first for a change.
Finally told mom everything and I think she understands now. She keeps checking on me and it makes me feel vulnerable, yet it feels good to not bottle things up anymore, to know that there is someone to rely on besides myself.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
MOVED.
I'm leaving here for good, I think. (: I still love this place loads, but I need change. See y'allzsxz!